Coffee and Vodka
by GilanBraginski
Summary: What happens when Ivan Braginski becomes Gilan's new apprentice? Well, Lets just say its not uour average student and teacher! Halt: "If he asks me to become one with mother Russia again I'm going to kick his ass to Skandia!" Will: "But they're both so cute!" Halt: "fuck off!" CRACK BECAUSE ITS THE BEST! T for language
1. Chapter 1

**Hey all you beautiful (jk) people out there! If you are looking for yaoi, romance, or GilanxRussia, JUST LEAVE RIGHT NOW! This is my first(published!) fan fic...oh and a shout out to PlatinumZephyr(cuz he's cool), Little Madame Russia (for surviving my first attempts at fan fiction) and SoulMistress12(for helping me with this story idea) I'm not sorry this is short...DEAL WITH IT BRO**

**Disclaimer: I own Axis Powers Hetalia and Rangers Apprentice, so fuck off, Hidekazu Himaruya and Mr. Flanagan! No actually and lamentably they own these series. I think.**

One sunny but stormy day in the magical kingdom of John Flanagan's imagination Gilan sipped his coffee while sitting at his kitchen table thinking how beautiful he was. Suddenly and magically(I told you it was magical) some bloke kicked down the door and strolled in like he owned the place, which really pissed the Ranger off. "Bloody hell! Why did you have to do that, dude!" Gilan exclaimed as he jumped up from the table, consequently spilling coffee all over his shirt. "That was my favourite door, you pied ninny!" he looked down at his Black Keys T-shirt. "and my favourite shirt!" he started sobbing like he had just heard that Tame Impala was going on hiatus**.**

"You are talantlivyy (talented) ranger, da?" the stranger said. His voice was surprisingly high pitched, but guy was huge. Even taller than Gilan(which was saying something) and 4 times as big. This was to be expected since Gilan is pretty lanky, as all you well informed fan girls know.

"Of course I'm talented" Gilan said proudly, instantly forgetting about his beloved door and pulling a Strat out of thin air. "Wanna hear this Killer riff I just learned?" I don't know about you but this dude seems a little mood swingy/bipolar. "What brings you to my castle, man?" he added as an afterthought.

"This is nyet castle" the big creepy but cute dude said. "I come to shack because I want to become strong ranger so that everyone can become one with matʹ Russia. Oh, and I hear you listen to cool indie bands." Did I tell you this guy(not gilan, the one that wasn't an english professor) had the most beautiful purple eyes? Gilan couldn't stop looking at them. And the guy's hair also hypnotised the handsome ranger. Gilan was an expert on hair. If he hadn't become a ranger, or knight, or stay at home dad, he would have been a hairdresser. Not a barber, a hairdresser. There's a difference, believe me. No, don't believe me. I'm a liar. This guy's hair was pretty awesome. It was cute and floppy and silvery-beige. A masterpiece of human existence. It made Gilan want to start singing to walruses it was just that epicc.

After awhile of Gilan staring at Russia(if you haven't guessed it was him by now you are a dummkopf and should be sent to Siberia for your crime) in fascination, shock, and horror, he managed to speak.

"I love you almost as much as love myself. Of course you can be my apprentice sir."

Me: Hey Gilan!

Gilan: Yeah man?

Me: Wasn't that a little over the top?

Gilan: Not compared to France! Onhonhonhon. HAHA BURN!

Back to the story, comrade!:

"I am sorry that you love me because your pony and I are already dating, da"

"BLAZE!"

**I am still trying to decide if I should do a series of one shots or a whole story...I'll try to update soon but NYET PROMISES...the "i love almost as much..." line is from an episode of hetalia when greece says "I love you Japan. Almost as much as i love cats" or something like that. I'll try and post a hopefully longer chapter next week...suggestions are welcome!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Here's another one shot, loyal fans(puh-lease)! I promised you a longer story so here's a longer story. I hope it's crackistic and all that jazz. I referenced some bands last chapter**

**The Black Keys: an American indie rock band with bucket loads of guitar swag**

**Tame Impala: a super cool Australian electronic band**

**The Killers: one of my favourite mainstream bands. they have the catchy-ist hooks ever! I love Brandon Flower's voice**

**Please read, review, and shove your head in a public toilet.**

**Disclaimer: I own two band t shirts, and will guard them with my life**

Ivan was so excited he almost hugged Gilan. Almost. Because guess what? Well whatever you just guessed was wrong, but I'll still tell you: it was the day he was going to get his Ranger issue weapons and start learning how to use them. He hoped he would still be able to use his handy dandy faucet pipe. He had named his pipe. It was magical so he called it Tim. Hello to all those Monty Python fans out there! Let's go to lunch someday together!

Obviously Gilan hadn't heard that weapons and Russia weren't a great mix. Oh well. He'll find out soon enough. In the next few paragraphs, actually.

Gilan and Ivan skipped into the forest. Why did they go to the forest? Well it's because Rangers do everything in the forest, so Ivan might as well get used to it. They came to an ancient Amfalula tree that had been planted by the silver smith's great-grand niece's brother twice removed. Gilan set down his knapsack.

"Ooh I feel like Santi Claus giving out presents to evil little kids." Gilan cackled

"No Santa job is Finland's. And you no steal." Mr. Braginski replied in broken Aruleunese. I wonder if i can take advanced Arulenese as my foreign language class. That would be so fun!

"What the hell?! Anyway here are the weapons a Ranger uses" Gilan pulled out weapons out of the knapsack. The recurve bow had been a tight fit for the smallish knapsack. Good thing John Flanagan's imagination is so magical. "This is a recurve bow. It is not like a bow tie. I wore it to dinner as a bow tie once and Jenny still won't talk to me. So just use it as a weapon, okay dude?" Gilan instructed.

"Da" replied Ivan. The bow looked kinda spindly to him but then everything seemed spindly here: the trees, the horses, the rangers, his portions at dinner, etc. Gilan reached into the knapsack again and then everything, and I mean everything, even the Romanian opera rehearsal, went horribly schnitzeling wrong.

CLIFF HANGER HANGING FROM A CLIFF! AND THAT'S WHY HE'S CALLED CLIFF HANGER!

(bonus points in Monopoly if u know what that's from)

SO HOLD YOUR BREATH BECAUSE TODAY WILL BE THE DAY THAT IVAN LOSES IT! ALL OVER AGAIN! HE FINALLY LOST HIS MIND! GILAN WON'T WANT TO LIVE ANOTHER DAY I SWEAR IT'S TRUE! HE LAUGHED SO HARD HIS MIRROR BROKE IN TWO! OH WHAT'S A RANGER TO DO?

God I love parodies..maybe I'll have a chapter chock full of them but Gilan wants me to get back to the somewhat existent plot line. Hold on bro! Can't a guy have fun? Well it depends. Let's dance joy division! And celebrate the irony! Everything I going wrong, but we're so happy!

Okay fine...back to the future

Gilan reached into his knapsack...and brought out two shiny, sharp knives.

Russia stared at the knives for a second...Belarus...knives...was Gilan in league with her?! Ivan flipped out and ran screaming like a man into the woods. Most people speak like men and scream like kids. Ivan talked like a kid and screamed like a man.

"Belarus! YA ne znayu, chto my dolzhny byli ispolʹzovatʹ nozhi! eto napominayet mne slishkom mnogo, chto sumasshedshaya suka! Kakogo cherta ona budet dumatʹ, kogda ona vidit menya s ?Chto, yesli ona dumayet, chto ya ukral yeye? Vy ne mozhete ponyatʹ, chto ona budet delatʹ so mnoy! kakogo khrena ty, ublyudok!"

Translation:

Belarus! I did not know we had to use knives! It reminds me too much of that crazy bitch! What the hell will she think when she sees me with knives?! What if she thinks I stole hers? You can not fathom what she would do to me! What the fuck you bastard!

Russia was yelling this as he ran deep into the woods. He ran as fast as Italy does when he's retreating or as fast as Will does when he hears there's a soccer game on the telly.

Gilan didn't know any Russian, and so he thought Russia had been scared of the knives themselves.

"What a wimp. I wonder who this Belarus character is. Maybe an ex girlfriend? Hmm" Gilan muttered as he skipped back to his cabin. He had a date with himself he needed to get ready for anyhow. He didn't have the time to take care of his 200 pound student.

MEANWHILE IN REDMONT FIEF

Will was dancing in front of his telly. "Come on Manchester! Kick that ball! Shoot...shoot...yes!" when there came a loud knock on the door. Unlike Gilan, Will didn't lock his front door, so it was violently shoved open. In the door frame stood a girl who would be pretty if she wasn't snarling like a pissed off loggerhead turtle.

"Are you the Ranger?" the girl screamed in Will's face.

"Yep siree! And a Manchester United fan!" Will replied and promptly stared at the telly again.

Belarus was insulted that this kid wouldn't give her the time of day.

"Didn't anyone tell you how to flirt with lovely ladies such as myself?" Belarus cooed.

"mmmhhhmmm. Gilan. He's a ladies man." Will replied, his eyes still glued the screen.

Lithuania: "He should have learned from me. I get all the ladies and the men."

Romano: The potato bastard could show that fucker how to get ladies better than you."

Lithuania: "Germany?! Are you crazy?!"

Romano: "Of course I'm crazy! I live with a brainless brother and the tomato bastard!"

The two nations were getting annoying so Belarus threw a knife at them. Noooo Romano! Ill save you man!

Belarus turned back to Will. He wasn't paying attention to her so she did the logical thing: throw a knife that caught Will's sleeve and pinned him to the far wall.

Will looked in horror at his mutilated sleeve. "that was my only Manchester United shirt! Halt!" he wailed.

"Give me back my brother or I will kill you!" the bitch shrieked

"I don't have your brother!" Will sobbed. At that moment Halt appeared in the doorway of an adjacent room.

"Can't a man even take a damn nap in his own fucking house without assholes waking him up?!" Halt thundered. Then he saw what was happening. He picked up Belarus who was twice as big as him and threw her in the moat that just happened to be right outside a window.

"What did I tell you about inviting friends over, Will?!"

"Nothing, sir"

"Oh yeah...well, try and keep the noise down, goddammit."

**So what did you think? That I'm crazy? I can't help it! I swear! I am not a tomato box fairy! I am a Ranger, though. Bwhahaha. Tune in next time for Gilan's mirrorship song!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Here's Gilan's "Mirrorship song". It's a parady of the Black Keys song "lonely boy". I also included some Demetri Martin quotes because he's funny.**

Disclaimer: I do not own John Flanagan, Demitri Martin, Hidekazu Himaruya, Dan Auerbach, or Patrick Carney because slavery is technically not allowed in the country I reside in at the moment.

QUOTES

"I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside."

"I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital."

"I like parties, but I don't like piñatas because the piñata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick its ass. What I'm trying to say is, don't make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did."

SONG

Well I'm right above you

And it ain't plain to see

Cuz I'm the master of secrecy

I like strats and capes, dude

The pride of my world

Ill love myself instead of waiting

Waiting, waiting

Oh, oh-oh Gilan/gilan is the beastest pairing

Oh, oh-oh Gilan/gilan is the beastest pairing

I'm a lonely boy

I'm a lovely boy

Oh, oh-oh Gilan/gilan is the beastest pairing

Well this chick quite liked me

But she was obese

And every little snack she ate

Was a bloody feast(without even any coffee, damn it!)

I relized I'm the one for me

Mirror is my true love

And the only person that keeps me waiting

Is me, is me

Oh, oh-oh I'm not as weird as Halt or Russia

Oh, oh-oh I'm not as weird as Halt or Russia

I'm a lonely boy

I'm a lovely boy

Oh, oh-oh I'm not as weird as Halt or Russia

Hey!

*guitar swagger here*

Oh, oh-oh Mirrorship is the way to go, kids

Oh, oh-oh Mirrorship is the way to go kids

I'm a lonely boy

I'm a lovely boy

Oh, oh-oh Mirrorship is the way to go, kids!


	4. Chapter 4

**So I was reading some (mostly shonen) manga the other day, and i chanced upon a character sketch for Tamaki Sou. I relized Tamaki is just like Gilan except he doesn't have a guitar, and Gilan has a bit of a Han Solo side. I heard chicks dig dudes with guitars. Yeah...I'm writing a steampunk/science fiction story right now and that's why I haven't updated sooner. I really wanted Halt to shoot America, and in this short dreams come true(for me at least)**

**Disclaimer: steampunk fashion is pretty awesome, but not as awesome as Prussia. HAHA BURN! **

One day Halt, Romano, and Maho(from BECK: Mongolian Chop Squad) had a cussing contest. Romano went home crying to mommy Spain, and Halt and Maho were dragged home by Ray and Pauline. They swore vengeance but were to busy sitting on their asses and stuffing their faces full of Greek food (meow) to do much else.

**I wonder if Demitri Martin falls asleep a lot. Will Treaty looks like Sondre Lerche (true story). I really hate the GilanxJenny pairing. I mean really! The skinniest guy in the books dating the fattest chick? It makes nyet sense!**

THIS IS WHERE THE ACTUAL STORY STARTS. I PROMISE

It was Halt's birthday. Legit. I can't tell you how old he was turning because then he would jump out of those bushes over there and kill me. Eeek. He claimes he's immortal and never ages, but i say that's not true. Has anyone heard of the song " I Say Fever" by Ramona Falls? The music video is so schnitzeling creepy!

His buddies Will and England decided to bake him some scones for his birthday because there's nothing Halt likes better with his coffee than scones. If you're wondering where our hero(Gilan) was, he was with the bad touch trio doing god knows what. More on that later. Will as you know is an excellent cook but 1p England is not. Supposedly 2p! England is a great cook when he's not poising cupcakes.

So Will was prancing around his tiny kitchen wearing a chef hat and yelling things like "víola" and "kiss the damn cook already, Alyss!" while England waved his magic wand over the stove and muttered in what sounded like Scottish Gaelic.

Will had just put his batch of scones in the stove. He hadn't let England get anywhere near the half finished scones. England may be a friend to Duncan, but when Halt eats horrible food he gets angry. It's best to avoid an angry Halt, just saying.

The doorbell for the cabin rung. The ring was the first few notes of the "Star Wars" theme. Typical Will. The person at the door was no other than the most annoying dude in the world...America! England and his former colony got in a huge argument about nothing and Will stood awkwardly to the side, trying to calm them down. America stopped talking and sniffed the air after about twenty minutes.

"What is that most beauteous scent that wafts from yonder apartment. It reminds thine self of rainbows and delicate butterflies" America quoth as he ran into the kitchen, took the scones out of the oven, and began to devour them. Will ran in after him.

"Stop! In the name of love! Those were going to be my surprise for Halt's birthday!" Will said. The door to one of the bedrooms in el shacko opened. It was Halt.

"Can't a man even take a damn nap in his own fucking house without assholes waking him up?!" Halt thundered. Will explained that he and England had wanted to make Halt's birthday special, but America had ruined it by being a pig.

"Zat is it! I vill shoot zis moron with my bow and arrow" Halt said. And he was true to his word. Then Prussia, France, Gilan, and Tamaki-sempai jumped out of the cuboard and started smacking America on the head.

"Oh, mi amigo. I am very sorry about your scones. Want some churros?" Spain asked Halt.

"Sure" said Halt

THE END

**Thanks to 2 of mi amigas at school for the scone idea and for listening to me rant about character pairings and mainstream indie bands. Arigato to all you wunderbar people who reviewed, followed, or favourited. You guys make my day! I will try and update next week but "kak znatʹ" as Ivan would say.**


	5. Chapter 5

**The pairings in this series of one-shots are as follows: GilanxGilan, RussiaxBlaze, and WillxRomano. Lovino Treaty has a nice ring to it...Anyway, this chapter we take a closer look at the second pairing. But I promise you, sir: there will be some kind of Will and Romano story in the future. Sorry it took me so long to update this story but I couldn't think of what to write. As always, please review!**

**Disclaimer: I have disassociative identity disorder, so i just might be John Flanagan or Hidekazu **

Ivan held open the door to the Very Fancy Restaurant.

"You first, prekrasnyy poni"

_Thanks Ivan_

Blaze and Russia went up to the hostess at the Very Fancy Restaurant( it should be noted that because this restaurant was in Wensley it wasn't that fancy). It happened to be Jenny, Gilan's ex. She scowled at them. This just made her triple chin more prominent.

"I guess you'll be wanting a table for two?" she asked sulkingly.

Ivan gave her his biggest, childish smile. "Yes sir!" Jenny rolled her eyes and waddled over to a table in a corner.

"Thou shalt sit here" Jenny quoth. Blaze and Russia sat down.

"Looks like it's just us again Blaze-chan" Ivan said, addressing his date.

_I'm so glad it's just us. Gilan can get pretty boring sometimes_

Little did they know...

"Look dude, you gotta help me! How would you feel if Romano and Belgium dated?" Gilan desperately tried to get his friend to help him with a plan to ruin Ivan and Blaze's date.

"Personally, I would not mind. I would just hang out with mi amigos Prussia and Francis" Spain shrugged his shoulders. Damn, Gil thought. This guy is just too easy going.

"Ah well amigo I guess I will help usted"

"Yay!" ilan squealed and glomped Spain. "They're at the Very Fancy Restaurant. If we travel by hang glider we should arrive at precisely six seventeen post meridian!" Gilan and Antonio fist bumped, then jumped off a handy nearby cliff with their gliders. Please insert some very heroic inspiring classical music here. Thank you.

MEANWHILE BACK AT THE VERY FANCY RESTAURANT

Ivan and Blaze were talking about numerous musketeers and the best way to travel the word in a limited amount of time and wolves in Alaska. Jenny continued to waddle around and sneer at everyone. This is a very unevenly full paragraph so feel free to skip it. Oh look, it's over.

MEANWHILE IN GILAN'S LIVING ROOM

Will and Lovino were sleeping on the couch when Tame Impala and British Sea Power songs started playing on the stereo. They slowly awoke and listened for an hour or so...and their minds were blown away. Not literally thank goodness. That would just be nasty and messy.

"What the fuck is this magical stuff?"

"I went to the health food store earlier today and they had a kind of cheese called Romano."

"Fuck off!"

They went back to sleep.

MEANWHILE IN THE SKY WITH DIAMONDS

Gilan and Spain landed gracefully on the roof of the Very Fancy Restaurant. Gracefully? Who am I kidding? They jumped down off the roof and stealthily crept around the building to the door to the kitchen like a pair of secret agents. Unemployed secret agents. HAHA BURN!

When Jenny stepped out of the restaurant to take out the trash, the two guys pounced, taking her waiter's uniform. Gilan held up the vest and apron.

"Dude, Spain! I'm too tall and skinny to wear these threads! I guess you'll have to act as the waiter. I'll operate from the kitchen." Spain nodded and the two friends went in the kitchen door.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOHNNY!

"I am wondering when we are being able to order food" Ivan commented.

_Mmm what are you going to eat, dear? I'm in the mood for a nice bowl of oats_

Just then a waiter burst of the kitchen and hurried over to their table. His vest and tie were crooked and he was still tying his apron. His hair was sticking out in all directions.

"Bienvedios al Restaurante Muy Elegante" The brunette waiter stuttered, then caught himself. "I mean, Welcome to the black parade, what would like to eat?"

"Fried hands and 67 bottles of vodka" Ivan said. "and a bowl of oatmeal."

The waiter seemed awfully familiar to Braginski...where had he seen him before? Could it had been that party he blew up at America's? Or maybe that tree killing, oh I mean hugging club he had been in for a day. Nah that wasn't it...who was it?

Spain nodded and rushed back to the kitchen and grabbed Gilan by the shirt and shook him. "You didn't tell me your apprentice was IVAN BRAGINSKI! Do you want me to die! Gilan, you always seemed so nice! Adios!" and he ran out the back door.

And so, dear readers, our valiant hero is left by himself once again. He realised that he better serve Blaze and Russia because if he didn't they would come home and find Romano and Will making out on the couch. And Russia was a homophobe.

Gilan did the most logical thing: first, he went outside and carried the trussed-up Jenny into the kitchen. Then he found the biggest platter in the Restaurante Muy Elegante(which happened to be the aforementioned girls snack plate). He placed Jenny on the platter, added some soy sauce, and brought her out onto Ivan and Blaze's table.

"I order fried hands, not fat lady. I want my rubles back!" Russia yelled angrily. Gilan sprinted for the door, barely making it. He ran all the was to his house, which was three fiefs away. Now that's what I call impressive. He ran in his house and locked all his doors and windows and hid his children and wife(or Spain, Will and Romano). Russia's angry, very angry..

ALL THE OTHER KIDS WITH THE PUMPED UP KICKS YA BETTER RUN BETTER RUN, FASTER THAN MY BULLET...okay you get the point?

**Please review! You guys make my day! Also anysuggestion are super welcome. Sorry ifthere was too much plot line andurge Jenny hate I'm also not sure if I got the town name correct. If I can think of anything I'll try to update sooner next time.**


	6. Chapter 6

**The day I finished my collection 'coffee and vodka' I came up with two smashing ideas for crack one shots. Emphasis on the crack. Ha! Well anyway, here's one of them. Please read and review. Also, any suggestions or critiques will be met with a slap in the face. I mean open arms!**

**Disclaimer: I just found these characters around the house and I'm not sure if they're mine. I'll use them a bit and then send them back to their creators...maybe**

Will was taking a break from the job of King's Ranger. Having to do Halt and Horace's dirty work in all the trio's adventures had caused him to have a numerous break down. He didn't ask to be a killer( "Hey! What is so bad about the Killers?!' Brandon Flowers yells. 'shh' I tell him. 'I'm not writing my band fic quite yet!'). Will just didn't want to be killed by an ox. Or an angry farmer dude. Or evil homophobes that owned scary ass monsters and drank blood. So he and his buddy(interpret that word as you wish) Romano had started hosting a well listened to music show for Redmont's local NPR/BBC radio station. They had been editing some of the audio at the station, and had headed back to Antonio's casa for the evening. After the incidental 'pasta on the dance floor' incident Lovino had been surreptitiously hiding at Spain's.

MEANWHILE IN A GALXY NOT SO BLOODY FAR AWAY

The bad touch quartet were on the road. They were more active than ever with their newest 'member'...drumroll please...no it's not Horace...no! Not Iceland! Ugh do people even come with brains these days? GILAN! Spain and Prussia adored him while francy-pants saw him as a rival. Typical.

They were driving around Narnia(or was it Jules Verne's imagination? I forget) in Prussia's awesome fire truck. Because Prussias too cool for school or a normal automobile. ('I'm cool!' Tré Cool yells behind me. 'I told you guys to wait! I'm speaking English, not Latin!). So they cruised down this highway trying decide where they could spend el noche. France had no desire to go home because well, just deal with it! I need to have a reason for them to end up at Antonio's crashing pad!

A FEW HOURS LATER

The door creaked opened ominously. The house was all dark, except for a small upstairs room. Fortunately the intruders hadn't noticed...yet. They(there seemed to be four of them, but I can't count to save my purple orchid's life) tumbled into the kitchen area of the home. One of them slipped on a stray tomato and fell on the floor with a loud thud.

"Yo Gil dude! What happened to your awesome unseen movement? Kesesese! Guess you're not as awesome as me!" Prussia loudly announced. The lights in the kitchen were flipped on, and the bad touch quartet had a dance party. With a disco ball and grouplove songs. No f

France! The band! Perverts these days...

Upstairs, Romano and Will were confessing their love for each other once again. Guys, I can't write romance. I try, I fail. Love and me can't jive together. But there was some love in that room. And obliviousness to the creeps downstairs. Who needs a pirate/matador when you've got a Ranger? Thought Romano. And Prussia.

Fun fact: I am lazier than Ppain

Fun fact: I am about as lazy as Greece.

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO

Greece's dream: Once upon a time there was a little boy who liked to trick people into thinking he was an American. He and his best friend went to the edge of the world and jumped off. They suddenly knew all of this deep, meaningful stuff. The kind of ideas that make your cranium ache just thinking about. Like if romantic love is real or the existance of alternate universes or if crackfics are worth reading. When two blokes landed they were in a field of imaginary poppies that you could see if you closed your eyes and spun around three times. When they had walked their way out of the field the first boy's friend disappeared and so he boarded a spaceship alone that took him back to his home. His birthday was that day and he received a one pound note and a Model-T Ford. He sat down at a desk made out of spider silk and wrote a song for someone special that the world will never hear. Then he wrote enough poems to fill the lonelinesss holes in people's hearts and enough stories to make the earth sigh and wish it could write its own tales. He whistled and a little cat came and curled up in his lap.

Greece woke up. He had forgotten to feed his cats.("This story needs to be deeper, have more substance!' Hayley Williams advises me. I'm getting sick of this 'sod off' I mumble)

END OF ACT THREE

"And then I said you must like be totally be joking!"

Halt swore. If that damn Polish chick dude didn't shut up he was going to throw him in the moat. Unfortunately, the Ikea store didn't have a moat. Wait? Ikea store?! How the hell had Halt ended up there?! "Damn Vodka bastard" he muttered.

Flashback time, kids!

While Gilan was away on 'important business' (important business my grannies knitting needles, Halt thought) Halt was in charge of Ivan Braginski and his ranger training.

He was showing Russia how to fletch an arrow shaft when two people walked into the cabin clearing. They both, in Halt's mighty, steadfast, and ever-true opinion had too long of hair. Especially the taller brunette the other refered to as 'Liet'

When Russia saw Poland with his favourite leetle Baltic he started kolkolkolkolkoling and wearing a purple mist. Lithuania flipped and tried running off, but Poland grabbed his lapel. Halt was unpreterbed as ever. He'd seen weirder things. Gilan things.

"Like who are you?" this question from a Polish mouth was directed at Halt

"Halt goddamnit. What the hell are you doing? Listen, I don't want any girl scout cookies, home protection system, or charity cases. I have my hands full as it is. Now please move

yourself and your bisexual hippy friend out of my sight. Graci." (HAHA BURN!)

Lithuania nodded at this statement and turned to run away again with same results. Poland, ignoring both of them turned to Russia

"I was like visting leit at your house that the Ranger guy owns, and dude it's like a total headache to look at. So I'm going to like refurbish. Liet thought we should maybe like bring you along." Russia growled even louder. Halt decided to leave.

"Fuck this shit I'm going to the tavern" he told the three nations as he headed for the village.

"Yo Ivan. If I were you I would like totally let Pol redecorate your house because Pol like knows your secret obsession" Liet tapped Poland's arm. "What exactly is his secret? Does it have to do with Gilan?"

"I'll like totally tell you. BRAGINSKI HAS LIKE A THING FOR LIKE CROSSDRESSING!"

Ivan whimpered. "Do not you tell Gilan. He would disown me I'm sure."

And so, Liet Poland Ivan and Halt(they picked him up at the tavern dead drunk. Guess it's true that Brits can't hold their liquor) headed off to the nearest Ikea store to "like totally redecorate that place you live with that ranger-dude"

End of flashback...

They had been in the damn store so long Halt had come out of his stupor. And he was royally pissed at Poland. See, Halt had an irrational fear of furniture stores. True story. And while he didn't have a fear of gay Polish dudes, the one to his right was extremely aggravating and bloody annoying. So Halt did the most logical thing: He punched a large hole in the wall to the outside world. Then he picked up the Pole("Liet this would like totally clash with the purple couch") and threw him out the hole. Poland fell down the stories and landed-splash-in the moat. Moat?! Yes readers, a moat. There always seems to be one there(or a river like in the Kings of Clonmel) for Halt to use. Why use a faucet pipe when you can throw your enemies in a moat?

Halt, Liet, and Ivan all went back to Gilan's cabin and ate ginger snaps and watched Horrible Histories.

END OF ACT FOUR

ACT FIVE

"Ohonhonhon is leetle Romano here?"

"eh you will not get near my tomate pequeño, you cabrón!"

"ohonhon let's check his room!" the four crept up the stairs to Lovi's room. The first thing France saw when he opened the door...Was that ENGLAND?!

Will was standing with his back to the door explaining to Romano that Panic at the Disco really were the Beatles of this generation and how Billy Joe reminded him of Johnny Lennon.

Now, Will happened to be about the same height as Britian. He also had a British accent and messy short blonde hair. So it was no surprise that France thought it was his lover.

France placed his hand on what he thought was England's shoulders. He whispered in what he thought was England's ear "ohonhon Spain did not tell me you would be joining us("no you bastard thats will treaty!" Prussia tried to warn). You and I will have some bedtime fun, Oui?"

Will whipped around and stabbed France's face with a knife. He and Belarus had become best pals, just to let you know.

Prussia smirked. "I told ya. Ya don't fuck with that kid francy-pants. Kesesese!" Will then picked up France and threw him out the bedroom window and brushed his hands off. Gilan and Antonio were still standing in the doorway, jaws dropped. Will pushed the trio out into the hall and slammed the door.

"But wait! My tomate pequeño!" Spain called.

"Dude, you better not go back in there" Gilan advised the Spaniard as he and Prussia guided Antonio downstairs.

**So...whatcha think? Hey if anyone's got a crackfic idea for this series let me know! I have at least one more story in the coffee and vodka world. Sorry I didnt update for so long...writers block...**


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